Hitchhiker's Guide: Unabridged Edition
by Adamsesque
Summary: The best book in the galaxy gets even better. A collection of Guide entries that were never included in the final edition, here for your amusement and amazement.
1. Foreword

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ is a wholly remarkable book. Not only is it better selling than _Even More Things to Do in Zero Gravity _and more controversial than Oolan Colluphid's latest hit, _What's So Great About God Anyway?_, but it has surpassed the _Encyclopedia Galactica _as the standard repository of knowledge and wisdom. The _Guide_ is favored for a number of reasons: one, it is somewhat cheaper, and two, it has the words "Don't Panic" printed in large friendly letters on its cover. Now the best book in the galaxy gets even better.

In an effort to indulge our customers (mainly those who have complained about needing new reading material for the restroom), the publishers on Ursa Minor Beta bring you _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: The Unabridged Edition_ to extend your favorite, if not very accurate, compendium of essential knowledge.

Few people are aware that even the Guide's name and large, friendly "Don't Panic" are themselves abridged. In fact, they were some of the first things on the chopping block. Originally named _The Poor, Bedraggled, Morally Bankrupt Hitchhiking Moocher's Essential, Know-It-All, Do-It-Yourself Guide to Everything You Could Possibly Think Of Within the Vastly, Hugely, Mind-bogglingly Big Big Bigness of Space and a Whole Lot More You Couldn't Think Of_, many of the _Guide'_s original test subjects lapsed into a coma from boredom before finishing the title. Those who managed to stay awake, be it caused by high levels of Aerthlian hyper-caffeine or the urge for the proffered paycheck, were so daunted by the sheer size of the printed version, which would require several inconveniently large buildings to carry around, that they immediately keeled over in spasms much like those of a Vogon poet's audience.

A kindly worker placed a note on the wall: _The publishers thank you for not panicking._

When the _Guide_ was then edited and condensed into the form of a micro sub meson electronic component, the janitor accidentally included this friendly notice as the final page. In the first final cut, the happy, amiable tone was translated into the large, friendly letters beings everywhere have come to know and love: _Don't Panic_.


	2. The Longest Sentence Ever

**The Longest Sentence Ever**

Within this thing commonly referred to throughout the universe as "Life," there are very few things more irksome than a long-winded speech that accomplishes nothing save for ridding the speaker of breath. While responding solely with ambiguous, one-word answers muttered under one's breath _is_ highly annoying as well and does, in fact, closely rival long-windedness, it is not the topic of this entry and thus will be totally and utterly ignored.

Now there are many reasons for one to become long-winded and verbose: chatting with the Royal Humpadinga of Katanahi, reciting the legal grounds for dumping trash in the neighbor's lawn, or even forcing one's wife to give up and do the dinner dishes herself. The longest sentence ever recorded in the history of the universe, however, was spoken purely out of stupidity. It was uttered long ago, and the story goes something like this.

The planets of Gridalfus Four and Five stood on the verge of war, both sides claiming their planet to be alphabetically first (the Gridalfans were an incredibly unintelligent race, especially considering that neither side knew of the designations of Four and Five). The dishonor of being listed below the other was intolerable, and so the two armies met on the sweltering desert of Four. Millions of bug-eyed warriors watched as the Great Mahaniuk of Five trudged heavily through the puce-colored sand, resplendent in ruby-encrusted battle thong, and shook hands with the Supreme Bugjool of Four, his Hyper-Sackpipe of Death brandished magnificently beside him.

Both Gridalfans had a plan and, it seemed, both knew the other's strategy. Then again, Gridalfan battle strategy had never altered from a simple charge for millennium upon millennium. For beings of very little brains, however, remembering this fact was indeed a great achievement.

"I know your plan," the Great Mahaniuk announced.

This greatly distressed his opponent, but only until he recalled his own news.

"I know _your_ plan," the Supreme Bugjool declared.

This unbalanced the leader of Five and he replied in the only way he could.

"I know that you know my plan."

The bug-eyed ruler was again distressed and replied in the only way _he_ could.

"I know that you know that I know your plan."

As one with any more smarts than a grub can guess, which does not include any past, present, or future Gridalfans, the pattern was repeated. And repeated. And repeated. And repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated. The final statement, spoken over a tortuous 33 and ½ hours by the Great Mahaniuk of Five, was thus:

"I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know my plan."

You may now pause to catch your breath.

The end result of this exchange between the two Gridalfan leaders resulted not in a clash between massive armies, nor a loud and raucous shouting match, nor even a decision on the alphabetical supremacy of either side. In fact, the standing of Gridalfus Four and Five had been completely forgotten during the confrontation. The end result of this exchange was the complete and total annihilation of both armies. You see, the armadas stood in formation for so long, without food or water or restroom breaks or television or celebrity news or stupid ditties or even air freshener, which was sorely needed as time wore on, every single Gridalfan withered away into nothing more than little, crumpled, bored exoskeletons.

The next day, a government worker on Gridalfus Five found a slip of paper listing the planet designations shoved under a towering pile of documents.


End file.
